An important part in Comfort is trust building, which is the focus of the second Comfort phase. The girl needs to be able to trust that you are not going to make her feel uncomfortable. She needs to feel that she is safe with you and that you are not someone who is going to take advantage of her as soon as you are alone.
Trust is needed to get the girl to comply with your requests. The way to build trust is to start with small requests and then move on to progressively larger requests. As the girl complies with a request, and it turns out alright and fun, her level of trust in you increases.
Trust building ladder
The trust building ladder starts in A3 when you temporarily isolate the girl. As that turns out well, trust is built for isolating the girl for a longer time in C1. The next level is gained when you move the girl within the venue, which builds trust for leaving the venue together in C2. The last level of trust is established when the girl follows you to the seduction location for C3. Each level builds upon the previous one. For example, if the girl is not comfortable being alone with you she will be far less comfortable going home with you.
More important than the actual steps in the trust building ladder is how you handle her resistance. She needs to feel that you will not push her to do things she does not want to do – whether through kino escalation, jumps or other activities. If you push her in any way it will shatter the trust you have very quickly. If a girl resists a request, like a venue change, you should not push the issue and try to change her mind. Focus on changing her mood instead. As soon as the girl says, “I don’t want to”, move away from that conversation thread. Just move on to something else – another story, topic or game – and then go for the venue change again later. She will be more likely to go for it then.
When handling her resistance you should have an attitude of indifference. This means that you do not make a big deal out of things and do not appear emotionally invested in any particular outcome. It is a powerful frame to have. Will she stay with you? Will she sleep with you? You could not care less. You are just there in the moment having fun with her. As such, you will not react emotionally when she rejects your requests or advances.
Trust can also be built by demonstrating that you trust her. For example, as you head to the bathroom you can drop off an accessory, such as a hat, and say, “Guard my hat. Beat up anyone who tries to steal it!” You can also share a perceived personal secret or vulnerability with her, conveying that you trust her not to share it with others.
When you are both comfortably settled at one place it is time to introduce a jump so that things do not get stale. In the game plan, there are three ways of jumping from one location to the next.
- Venue move – You move within the current venue.
- Venue change – You move to a different venue for an instant date.
- Time bridge – You plan a meeting.
You need to calibrate the move to the girl’s trust level. Begin by moving her within the current venue, as that requires the least amount of trust. Once you are able to do that with ease, you can move her to one or more nearby venues for more comfort building. As you leave the meeting venue together with the girl the second Comfort phase begins – C2 Trust. It is named so because this mini-dating greatly speeds up the trust building process. It can also be a lot of fun.
Here are a few example moves for the club scene:
- Friends – Take her to meet your friends. “You know what, I’m here with some very cool friends, and I’m going to introduce you to them.”
- Socializing – Take her to meet new people in the club.
- Dance – Take her to the dance floor. Do not get caught in a dance marathon. Just spin her around for a while and take the opportunity to do plenty of kino.
- Scenery change – Take her to see different parts of the venue.
- Drink – Take her to go get a drink at the bar. Water is good. You should not pay for her drink.
The best time to go for a venue move is during an emotional highpoint. For example, while she is laughing say, “Come on, let’s go”. Because she is filled with positive emotions she is going to go for it. Be sure to project clearly that you are leading. Give her visual signals to go along with you or even take her hand and physically lead her.
A venue change is an instant date that you take the girl on, along with her group if necessary. This change of scenery is a powerful trust building technique. You may have met at the current venue as strangers, but once you leave you are suddenly together. It sets up a psychological frame of her being there with you.
Every time she compromises her safety by going to a new place with you, and it turns out alright, you are building trust. The more venues you visit the more memories she has with you. By doing this multiple times you establish a trust building cycle. She gets memories of being in different situations with you feeling comfortable, which establishes a level of trust that may take a month of dating to establish otherwise. That is the beauty of the instant date. It is an easy way to develop comfort and trust. It also sets up a pattern of you leading her from one interesting, enjoyable experience to another. It creates a kind of adventure scenario. As you walk from one place to the next that is a great opportunity to hold her hand or walk arm-in-arm.
Venue change example
Before you go out it is a good idea to have a firm grasp of all the cool places in your area. The bars, clubs, coffee shops, pool halls, arcades and so on. These are places to which you can venue change, in addition to your own place. To suggest the venue change be simple and direct, implying that you are in control and not easily distractible. Here are some short examples of how to initiate a venue change:
- Club – “You know, I want to switch up the scene a little bit. Let’s go.”
- Coffee shop – “I’d love to hear more of this, but I need to get some coffee at Starbucks. Let’s continue the conversation there.”
- Restaurant – “I’m going to grab a bite to eat. You’re welcome to tag along. We’ll be back in 10 minutes.” You do not have to come back.
- After party – “Dude, we’re bouncing. Come with? The party’s moving!”
- Your place – “I know a much better place than this. Drinks are cheaper and it’s a lot more comfortable. Come on.” And lead her right back to your place.
If the girl has friends in the current venue or seems hard to move, you need to overhype the new venue. Build emotions into it and make it sound like the coolest thing you could ever do, no matter how ridiculous it is. You also need to give her the logical reasons for going, in order to take the burden of accountability off her shoulders. She can then explain this to her friends so that she is free to go and have fun.
When you get interrupted in Comfort or run out of time, you have to bridge the time so you can get back to seeing the girl and continue another time. This is called a time bridge. When you are with her you establish the other side of the time bridge by making plans. It is not just exchanging phone numbers or e-mails. You should make actual plans to see each other again, as that is the goal. If you only get her phone number without setting a date then it is not likely to lead anywhere. You should have the second meeting planned out before you leave her so that you do not have to try and convince her over the phone.
Time bridge example
You need to have a stock time bridge ready that involves an exciting activity. Avoid typical dating activities such as a dinner or movie that make her the event. In fact, avoid using the word “date” as that implies that she is the prize. Preferably, you want an activity that you are going to be doing anyway where she can tag along. By not making her the event, she will be more likely to come along. It does not have to be an extraordinary event. Just going shopping can be made into an adventure if you frame it that way.
The pattern to use when inviting a girl is to mention something really cool that you are going to do. You are telling her about your interesting life and giving her an opportunity to be part of it. Preferably, you want her to invite herself. If she does not bite at this, you can be more direct and tell her to come along. Either way you should communicate that it would be fun if she joined you, but that you do not need her there for you to be happy. You are living your life fully, doing the things you like and pushing forward. You come from a place of abundance and you are going to have fun whether she is there or not. It is a powerful frame to have.
Getting her contact info
After you have established the time bridge you have a legitimate reason to get her number. The key to getting the number is to confidently tell her to give it. You say “What’s your number?” or “Give me your number”. You do not ask for her number, as this would make her less likely to give it. For extra charm points give her a pad of paper and a pen with which to write her number down. As an artistic challenge, you can tell her to also draw a picture of herself and sign it.
Girls are emotional beings and may flake on dates, even with men they genuinely like. To further commit her to the event you can lend her one of your accessories – such as a cheap necklace. Explain to her that it means a lot to you and that you want her to give it back to you when you next meet. For example, take off the necklace and say, “I want you to hold on to this. It’s very important to me. You have to promise to give it back to me the next time we meet. Okay?” This will increase the likelihood of seeing her again. Another strategy for reducing flakiness would be to make sure to leave her on an up note.
The primary alternative to the time bridge is the extraction – taking her home with you that night. There is no reason to draw it out if that is your objective. She wants to go home with you that night. She just needs you to help her figure that out and not feel bad about it. Before you are at that level you can set up a time bridge instead.
Handbook of The Game