Part of the very core of success with women is basic social skills. If you cannot carry a conversation with a stranger and have them find you interesting, then doing the same with an attractive woman will be very difficult. Training conversations with people you meet in everyday life is a good start, but there are a few other things you can do to boost your social skills. Let’s talk about these in this chapter.
To make the girl comfortable with you, you need to be comfortable around her. Most men turn into something other than a comfortable version of themselves when talking to a woman they feel attracted to. You should do the opposite. Assume familiarity and rapport with the girl, as if you have known her for a long time. To do this you need to act very comfortable in her presence and talk to her as a friend you know and trust well. It will make the girl comfortable with you very quickly which will allow her to just be herself with you without any social mask. After just a few hours this method of communicating will make her feel like she has known you for a long time and has full trust in you.
Be in the moment
When it comes to attractive women, men tend to be stuck in their head way too much – imagining scenarios and thinking through what they are going to say. This is not what you want to be thinking of. Prepare as much as you need before going out, but once you are in the field: no more thinking! Get out of your head and into your senses and what is going on. Actually be there with her in the present moment, enjoying the time you spend together. The more you are in the moment with the girl – whether talking, listening or doing something together – the easier it is to calibrate the interaction with her, to sense where you are and what is going on.
In the field, saying something is often better than saying nothing. For this reason you should be in a talkative state when you approach a girl. The talkative state is that euphoric state of mind when you are just overflowing with things to say and can talk to anyone, say anything and have it work.
One way to get into this state is to do a couple of warm up interactions when you first arrive at a venue, just to be social and have fun. Then when you are warmed up you go for the groups that have girls you are attracted to in them. Another technique for inducing the talkative state would be to practice mind talking.
Mind talking is a technique where you lower the filter for what comes out of your mouth. You literally say whatever comes to mind, free-flowing your inner dialog to the outer world nearly uncensored. This is similar to the effect alcohol has, but it allows you to stay sharp and focused. By training this technique, and by knowing that your thoughts will be spoken out loud, the quality of your thoughts will tend to increase rapidly. And with them so will your social skills.
Multi-threading means that you have several different conversation threads going at once, as opposed to moving linearly from one thread to the next. There are several reasons for doing this. First, it assumes a deep rapport. It is a pattern of communication that happens naturally in any conversations with close friends. If you talk about one topic with a friend and an interesting tangent topic comes up you do not stick rigorously to the first topic. You switch to the new thread and may or may not back track to the first thread later. Using this pattern helps you to fake rapport until you have it for real. Another reason for multi-threading is that it allows you to create a more emotionally charged and interesting conversation. It also gives you greater flexibility and more options for what to talk about, which lets you avoid awkward pauses.
There are many ways of transitioning smoothly between threads. Here is a quick overview of some thread transition patterns.
- Open loop – An open loop is an unanswered question. For example, when you are asked an interesting question in the middle of a thread you can say, “I’ll tell you about that in a minute”. Instead of switching to that thread immediately you just acknowledge it, so that you can come back to it later.
- Gradual shift – When the girl runs a story you can change the thread to a semi-related one by saying something along the lines of “It’s just like when” or “That reminds me of”.
- Foreshadowing – You can suggest a thread to entice the girl to want to pursue it next. For example, “I have to tell you about the time I ran from the police after this” or “We need to play the question game later”.
- Background info – You pause a story to add information on what happened before the present in the story. For instance, “Then I was invited to the VIP area of the club. This was because the week before I had…”
- Character info – You tell a story about one of the characters from your current story. For example, “So there I was with my friend Alex, and the thing about Alex is that he’s a gambler and a liar. This one time he was caught by security at a casino. What happened was…”
- Tangent – You pause your thread and transition to an unrelated thread. Here is an example, “You know what they say about a girl who wears a ring on that finger?” <No, what?> “Tell me something interesting about yourself first”. This is a cold reading routine stacked forward into a qualification routine.
- Tension – You interrupt a story and switch to a new thread right before the climax to create unresolved tension for the girl. She will want to find out what happened to get that emotional release, but you make her wait a bit for it.
- No transition – You simply finish a routine and start a new, unrelated one taken from your routine stack. For example, one way to start a story is to make a generalized statement, such as “All girls are perverts”, and then proceed to tell a story about why this is so.
Hooking is a skill you can develop for carrying longer and more meaningful conversations. What it means is simply that you look for hooks in the girl’s conversation threads – something she says that you can comment on, ask about, relate to or share a story on. It allows you to transition into deeper conversational threads and makes the conversation more interesting for both of you.
The prerequisite for this skill is to be a good listener, which is the foremost communication skill. Whenever the girl is talking you should listen and remember her responses, instead of being in your own head thinking of what you are going to do or say next. Show interest. Reward her with your full attention when she is investing in the conversation. Once you get good at this skill you will never have to worry about finding topics to talk about again. She will give you all the material you will need for carrying the interaction forward.
To get good at hooking and listening you can practice repeating in your mind’s ear what she is saying as she is saying it. It lets you understand what she is saying on a deeper level, which will make finding the hooks easier. Do not allow her to finish her whole thread before you contribute. As soon as you find a hook wait for her to end her sentence and then give your input. This way you will not interrupt her in a way that devalues what she is saying. After one or more new threads you may have her backtrack to the first one.
Calibration is the ability to read the girl to determine where you stand in the interaction and where you can go next. This ability will improve through experience, but just by being totally immersed in the interaction you will be able to sense a lot of what is going on. You will be able to tell what is working and what is not, and how to take things forward.
The game plan and gradual escalation routines are designed so that things happen naturally. They will dampen the impact of misreading the situation and allow you to recover more easily. However, by learning to calibrate you will be able to sense to a great extent whether something will work or not even before you do it, by reading the level of attraction, comfort and arousal that the girl is at.
Calibration is particularly important for determining when to transition between steps in the game plan. For example, before moving from A2 to A3 the advice was to look for three IOIs. A more accurate description would be to make the transition when you know the girl is attracted to you. However, until you are socially savvy enough to be able to detect that the method of counting IOIs works better.
Another place where calibration is important is in kino escalation. You need to be able to tell when and how often to escalate based on the girl’s comfort level. Something mechanical such as doing kino every 15 minutes will not work. Likewise, when you go for the escalation you need to judge her reaction to know whether she enjoys it or not and when to release the kino. All of this is made easier as your ability to calibrate improves.
Within every interaction there is always someone who controls the frame, the underlying meaning of what is going on, and in your interactions this would be you. She needs to know that she is stepping into your world where you control the frame. Frame control does not mean that you dominate the conversation verbally. On the contrary, let her talk as much as she wants to. But you need to be the one who dictates where the interaction is going and what topics are discussed. You do this by leading the interaction forward with your social skills and routines.
If she is not really interested in your current conversational thread, cut it off and switch to another one. Likewise, if she brings up a boring thread you need to recognize that and change to something else. You are not opposed to discussing her threads if she invests something positive, but if she does not you need to cut her thread off and get back to your own material. If you engage in a boring, non-emotional thread she will unconsciously blame you for making the interaction boring. This in turn will diminish her attraction for you, even if it was she who brought up the thread. If she tries to re-initialize a boring thread a second time then call her on it. Tell her playfully that you are out to have fun and that she is ruining the mood.
She will be more comfortable and trust you more if you are the one that leads the interaction forward. If you try to get her to lead it becomes a numbers game at best. Even if you have attraction, she is unlikely to lead the interaction in the direction you want. This is especially true if she is in a logical frame of mind. Due to social programming, the girl is not going to make any logical decisions that make you sleep together, no matter how much she wants to. She needs you to lead the interaction forward and bring her into an emotional state of mind, where she will be receptive to your advances. You want to enroll her for a wild ride in your VIP reality, your vision of the evening, where you lead her from one enjoyable experience to the next, culminating in the seduction and the beginning of the sexual relationship.
Handbook of The Game