After A3 the Comfort phases begin, the first of which is C1 Connection. The objective in this Comfort phase is to build an emotional connection with the girl. That is, you get to know her and allow her to get to know you in a way that gives her the sense that you have connected on a meaningful level. She needs to feel that you are someone who sees her for who she really is, and appreciates her for it.
Before proceeding, let’s make a distinction between three locations:
- Attraction location – A public place where you find the girl.
- Comfort location – An isolated place with a sit down location, such as a couch.
- Seduction location – A private place with a lay down location, such as your home.
Ideally, you should build comfort at a comfort location, which is close to a seduction location. Your location will limit what kino steps you can perform so be sure to calibrate. You want to take things as far as you can in the location that you are in, but not further.
We left off in A3 with the girl isolated and qualifying herself to you. As she is now attracted to you, and knows that you enjoy her company as well, she is going to want to build comfort with you. At this point you should lead her to a comfort location, where the two of you can sit down in isolation.
If the girl wants to rejoin her friends then do that instead. It means that she is not yet comfortable enough to be alone with you for a longer time. To make the girl more comfortable with building comfort with you in the presence of her friends you can do a mini-isolation, where you position yourself so that the girl has to turn her back to the group. Be sure to do this during a conversation thread to make sure she follows. This mini-isolation will make her less susceptible to distractions from her friends. It works much like a full isolation and can be used as an alternative in A3 as well. Once you have built enough comfort for her to accept a change of venue, lead her to a comfort location.
The comfort location you bring the girl to should preferably be an empty couch without too much background noise. Generally, the louder the venue the more unsuitable it is for comfort building. However, you want there to be music playing or people talking since silence can be very uncomfortable as well.
Be the first one to sit down. That way you allow her to choose where it is most comfortable for her to sit. This gives you an idea of her current comfort level. Close the distance gradually within the next few minutes, so that you will be close enough to perform kino escalation. If the venue is loud you can move closer under the pretext of hearing each other better. Another way would be to go for a routine that legitimately requires you to be close, such as a palmistry reading. Having closed the initial distance, continue your campaign of comfort building through interesting topics and comfort routines.
The thing that brings people closer together is emotions. For this reason, the primary goal in Comfort is to have a great time together. Keep things fun and playful for both of you, not boring or serious. Rather than talking to the girl on a logical level, communicate on an emotional level. By bringing emotions into the interaction you disengage her logical mind and get her more and more emotional. This will help you to build an emotional connection with her and it will also make her more receptive to your advances in building the physical connection.
Consider the following scenario. The girl asks, “Are you married?” Most guys will answer logically, “No, I’m single”. An emotion stirring answer could be, “Do you want me to be single?”, which goes beyond her words and to the meaning behind them. This is good, but there is a level beyond this. You can greatly accelerate the comfort building process by taking her on an emotional roller coaster. Rather than going for positive feelings all the time, you can introduce emotional shifts in the other direction, which causes her to experience the positive emotions more strongly.
An emotional rollercoaster answer would be like this:
In Comfort, you need to have your basic getting-to-know-you conversation. This is where you talk about who you are, what you like in life and what you have in common, in order to build an emotional connection. This can take anywhere from ten minutes to several hours. You should strive to avoid any kind of interview questions – where you ask questions with simple, literal answers that she has probably answered a thousand times before. It is boring and logical, whereas you want a connection that is emotional and fun. Here is a list of the more common interview questions to avoid:
- What do you do?
- Where are you from?
- Where do you live?
- How old are you?
- Where did you go to school?
- What about your past relationships?
- What about your family?
These same interview routines will be used by the girl when she tries to deepen your connection. As such, you should have answers ready for these when they come. Even though the questions are boring your answers can be interesting and you can turn it back into an emotional conversation. To do this, do not answer her questions directly, at least not all the time. It is more interesting if you give her an answer she does not expect, such as a personal story that in the end answers her question. It shows that you have some depth and makes you harder to figure out, which is fun for her.
Another way to respond is to give her a funny answer first and then the real answer. A third way would be to give her a challenge before you answer the question, such as making her guess what the answer might be. Either way you should answer in a way that elicits emotions. Keep in mind that getting to know each other is not about obtaining a list of answers to a set of questions. It is about feeling like you know each other and you cannot get there without emotions.
Avoiding the interview
When getting to know the girl there are three good ways to avoid the interview. The first is to turn the question into a statement. Instead of asking her, you guess what the answer might be. For example, “I bet you study art.” <No, I do bio. Why’d you think art?> And then you have launched the conversation in a compelling direction.
The second way is to ask more playful variants of the interview questions. For example, instead of asking “What do you do for a living?” you might ask, “When you were a little girl, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
The third way to avoid the interview is to ask deeper versions of the standard questions. For example, “What’s your favorite part of your job?” The focus here is not on what she does for a living, but rather getting her to feel the positive emotions she associates with her job. The more specific and unique your questions are, the better her responses will tend to be.
One way to launch into a conversation thread is to ask a question. This question may be grounded through a story first, to make it more relevant. Good questions are ones that elicit emotions and fascinate the girl enough to want to stick with that thread. Here is a list of some example questions:
- If you could wake up tomorrow anywhere in the world, where would it be?
- Have you ever been in love?
- When was the first time you got drunk?
- If you were to compare yourself to an animal, which would it be?
- If you became a guy for one day, how would you spend it?
- What kind of girls do you like?
- Why did you go out tonight?
- Have you ever stolen anything?
- If you won a million dollars in the lottery, how would you spend it?
- What’s your biggest fear?
- Do you have any tattoos?
- If you could have any job in the world what would you be doing right now?
- Would you rather ride on a train, dance in the rain or feel no pain?
- Which super power would you rather have, flight or invisibility?
When you ask a question, listen carefully to her answer. From there you can, for example, comment on her answer and then either ask an insightful follow-up question or relate to it through a story. The relating part is important as it allows you to build commonalities.
Part of building an emotional connection is finding commonalities, which allow you to connect on different levels. These commonalities can take various forms, such as sharing similar passions, backgrounds, hobbies, world views, values, beliefs and attitudes. The rarer the trait that you connect on, and the more important it is to her, the stronger your connection will be. Whenever you find a commonality, especially one she is passionate about, you should emphasize it. Do not just state the fact, but share what you like about that trait or something interesting you know about it, for example, through a story.
You want to have a broad set of things in common, but also things you do not have in common. You need that mix. It creates a more interesting dynamic in the interaction, and it shows that you are being honest. When you disagree on something, be sure to disagree without being disagreeable. You do not want to get caught up trying to win an argument with the girl, as that will make you lose comfort rapidly. Just respect her view and move on. If it is something important you disagree on you can bring it up again when she is your girlfriend.
To have a relationship with a woman you need an identity that she wants to be a part of. As such, you should have a number of stories that together tell your life story, leading up to where you are today and where you are going. You can run these routines in C1 or C2. By the time you are done with them she will feel like she really knows you and as a result you will have a potential relationship. For this reason you should be careful not to tell her your story unless you really like her.
Handbook of The Game