Attraction is the feeling one has toward another person when they have sexual interest in them. It is an emotion felt similarly by both men and women, but for completely different reasons. Attraction is not a process that happens by choice. A woman cannot consciously choose to feel attraction any more than a man can. It is an unconscious process that happens in response to certain traits. If a man displays these traits the woman will be turned on, just as when a man sees a hot woman.
If a woman feels attraction for a man, then nothing else matters. The man does not have to be her type, match her expectations or conform to her preferences. She will want to be with him regardless of any of that. It is deeper then logic, social conditioning, religious belief or peer approval. It can trigger a complete restructure of the values a woman says she wants in a man.
Men’s attraction circuitry is hardwired for fitness indicators. That is why waist-to-hip ratio, facial symmetry, breast size and body shape are all so important for men’s judgment. For a woman, value is not as simple as looks. Women are attracted to fit, tall, good looking guys, but they do not put as much weight on physical traits as men do when choosing women. They may think they do logically, but what women respond to is different. Their attraction circuitry is more honed towards social status, which is derived from the man’s personality. Essentially, attraction is 80% personality and 20% looks for women, and the other way around for men.
We have value judging circuits embedded in our minds designed to help us choose an attractive mate, meaning one that has good genes. Just as men can instantly judge the attractiveness of a woman, so too can she instantly give an initial evaluation of how attractive a man is. The man’s attraction value however is not as static as a woman’s value is to a man. It will rise or fall in an interaction as his personality is exposed to her. To give a metaphor, attraction for men is like a light switch whereas for women it is a volume knob.
Social status is very intimately connected to female attraction. The basic formula is that females use signs of fitness to attract high status males and males use high status to attract fit females. Your status is your social standing, where you stand in a group. Women are attracted to men whom they perceive as having higher status than themselves and not to men who convey lower status. You simply cannot make a woman feel attracted to you by communicating lower status. This is a key principle in the courtship game – never communicate lower status. Put another way, make sure that you are very obviously cooler than the girl is at all times. Let this principle guide all your communication and actions in order to trigger and maintain attraction. Most mistakes men make with women somehow relate to breaking this principle.
The amazing thing about status is that it is mostly about your self-image. You do not have to be rich, famous or the head of a large company. If you believe you have higher status, and thereby behave as if you do, then you will have it. A large part of our brain is dedicated to reading social dynamics and we can instantly tell a person’s social standing based on their body language, posture and other communication. If you communicate higher status, then you will be higher status. You can walk up to any woman and just start acting as if you have higher status, and as long as you are congruent she will respond to that. She will treat you differently from most guys who unconsciously take on a low status self-image in the presence of attractive women.
To have success with women you need to see yourself as high status. As a high status person you do not try to get status, you just assume you have it. That is how you walk through the world. You see yourself as important and do not allow others to disrespect you or your time. High status men do not seek approval from women or accept second-class behavior. They do not make excuses, apologize for who they are or allow women to control them or their emotions. Instead they lead with confidence and expect others to follow, because they make their lives better. Keep in mind that a high status man will typically have very little drama and confrontation in life, because everyone just accepts and respects his status. It is the men who do not have status and are striving for it that will have all the drama.
When it comes to attracting women being a man is generally good advice. Women respond powerfully to masculine traits in men. The most important of these traits, or status indicators, are: dominance, confidence, humor and warmth. These are attributes of your personality that when displayed translate into sexiness for women.
- Dominance – Be decisive, ambitious, strong and independent. Lead yourself from one enjoyable experience to the next, in a way that makes others want to follow you.
- Confidence – Be cool, calm and composed. Have a strong belief in yourself and what you are saying and doing.
- Humor – Be playful, optimistic, unpredictable and fun to be around, as opposed to boring or serious.
- Warmth – Be kind, caring and protective to those who have earned your trust.
These are the foremost traits of the alpha man, the man who has power and choice with women. However, having these traits is not enough. To trigger attraction you need to be able to convey them effectively in your interactions with women.
Most men do not display these traits and so a man who does display them, especially all of them, will stand out to women. Keep in mind that these traits are communicated mostly through your body language and tonality, as opposed to the words you use.
Most men have never considered the idea that a woman can feel a response similar to the one that men feel when they see an attractive woman. Even less common is the insight that any man can develop these traits. As humans we have the unique ability to develop our attractiveness. In this regard, attraction is actually stacked up very favorably for men. By cultivating the traits of the alpha man, and by improving your styles of communication, you can become the guy that women find attractive. And whenever you improve some part of your communication you will not have to think about it anymore. It becomes a part of who you are.
Lover and Provider
When it comes to courtship men will usually fall into one of two different mindsets – lover or provider. A provider will try to court the woman and win her affection with attention, compliments, dinner, gifts and other favors. In response to this behavior the woman will typically withhold sex, play hard to get and test him to see how good of a provider he will be. By proving himself repeatedly over a long period of time the woman may develop affection for the man, but not attraction.
The lover, on the other hand, sees himself as the prize in the interaction. He conveys to women that he embodies the traits of the alpha man, and the women love him for it. As a result, they will feel attraction for him and will get physically involved with him very quickly. He does not have to deal with the issues the provider has to deal with. If he chooses to get into a relationship he will be in control of it and decide how far it goes.
Irrespective of which relationship you want to have with women, you want to take the frame of the lover. You should project early on in your interactions that you have the characteristics of the alpha man and that it is not part of your world view to chase after her.
Handbook of The Game